


Mutually Assured Destruction

by JustAWinchesterGirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, eventual smut but not really that porny, mostly angst, set s4, thats why it's rated M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 02:24:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6885364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAWinchesterGirl/pseuds/JustAWinchesterGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you and your sister run into a couple other hunters in a bar, you earn yourself a front row seat in the apocalypse and some feelings that neither of you asked for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stranger Danger

You set two beer bottles on the table as you slide back into your seat across from your sister at a dingy little dive bar in Montana. You sigh deeply as you take a sip, watching her look intensely over her copious amounts of research for the three hundredth time that day.

“It just doesn’t make any sense!” she mutters again, “There were clear demon signs at the missing girls’ homes, but nothing else has been off since their disappearances. No deals, no deaths… I’m confused! Why would a crossroads demon abduct three girls then just vanish?”

“Maybe it’s not a crossroads demon,” you offer, slightly annoyed by a large crowd of men over by the pool table complaining loudly about being hustled while two men just smiled, took their winnings and celebrated. The shorter one was laughing loudly, his arms in the air like he’d just won some sort of huge prize at a sporting event. The taller one rolled his eyes and took the money, walking past you to get to the bar to buy them both a celebratory drink. You let your eyes wander over his body appreciatively before turning back to your sister.

“Regardless, I’ve got no MO, and no way of tracking where they’ve gone to,” she complains loudly, “They’ve just vanished! Between this and the plethora of other demon signs springing up across the country- I’m at a loss! Something really weird is going on here. We might just be in over our heads with this one.”

You notice the man at the bar tense up, and wonder if he’s eavesdropping. Your sister is not exactly being quiet in her frustration. You chuckle silently to yourself at how your conversation must sound to outside ears. He walks quickly back to his friend, whispers something, and before long they’re sitting at a table a couple down from yours. Your suspicions are kicked into overdrive when you notice the shorter man’s demeanour has changed from one of giddy excitement to quiet and dark. Neither of them are talking.

Your sister, of course, doesn’t notice any of this. You’re a little less trusting than she is and she can get pretty oblivious of her surroundings when she’s heated about something.

“Look at this,” she shoves her research into your hands, “There’s been seventeen massacres over the last three weeks in this state alone! Not to mention reports of cattle mutilations all across the map, and the freak storms in California last week. Something big is going on and I don’t like it.”

“Shut up,” you mutter under your breath.

“What?” she asks, a little angrily.

“Shut up, S/N, we’re being spied on,” you whisper, “Drink your beer and say something normal sounding.”

She rolls her eyes but sips her beer for a bit longer than strictly necessary before saying, “So how about that game last night?” with only a touch of sarcasm.

When you leave the bar a little later- still not entirely convinced that those two men _hadn’t_ been listening to you, even though they’d relaxed and gone back to talking amongst themselves- you’ve got the acute sense of being followed.

Your eyes dart to S/N’s face and this time you can tell she’s on the same page as you.

You round the corner into an alleyway suddenly and she turns with you swiftly as if this is where she’d planned to go all along. You freeze, and your suspicions are confirmed when the two men round the corner a few seconds later.

You pull your gun from your jeans and point it at them as they approach you. You can tell they’re taken by surprise and the shorter one holds his hands up in surrender with a, “Hey! Put that away!”

“Who are you?” you growl, “Why are you following us?”

“We’re hunters,” the tall one says calmly, “We’re working the same case that you are, we thought we could work together.”

“Good luck with that,” S/N mutters, “There’s no trail to follow, and no pattern to the kidnappings.”

“There is, actually,” he says, “Could you put the gun down? I’ll show you.”

Your eyes flicker from him to his friend with a little hostility before you comply and lower your gun.

“Thank you,” he says, pulling a notebook from his jacket pocket and going to show your sister his research.

You eye his friend suspiciously as S/N reads over his notes. He smirks and winks at you when he catches you looking, and you scowl in response, turning back to the other two.

“Well?” you ask impatiently, “Do they have something?”

“I just don’t understand what the fact that they’re all virgins has to do with anything,” S/N mutters, “These are demons we’re dealing with, not gods. Virgin sacrifice isn’t usually their MO.”

“No,” the tall man agrees, “but this is one of the 66 seals,” he says as if that clears anything up.

You raise one eyebrow, “Explain.”

“It’s the apocalypse,” the green-eyed one says casually, “And there are 66 seals to break in order to bust Lucifer out of Hell. These demons are trying to do just that.”

“ **Lucifer**?” you ask incredulously, almost wanting to laugh, “The apocalypse? What kind of dope are you two smoking?”

“Well…” S/N says, biting her lip, “I dunno, Y/N, it makes sense.”

“The _apocalypse_ makes sense?” you ask skeptically.

She nods, “It falls in line with a lot of Christian lore.”

You stand there, mouth open, gaping like a fish at your sister and these two men, “Well… who the hell are you guys anyway?” you growl, “How do you know so much?”

“My name’s Dean,” says the shorter one, “Winchester. This is my brother, Sam.”


	2. What Happens When You Trust an Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't what you pictured when you thought of Angels.

“ **Dean Winchester**?” you ask, taken aback.

“You’ve heard of me?” he asks, a little surprised.

“Yeah,” you say, “But you’re supposed to be dead!”

“I was,” he grunts, “just got out of the pit actually.”

Your eyes widen, “Out of Hell?”

He nods once.

You chuckle, “You don’t look half bad for a dead man.”

He winks at you again, grinning.

“Alright,” your sister interrupts your flirting, a little frustrated, “Here’s what I don’t get. Why now? What made the demons decide to bust the devil out in this century? What brought on the apocalypse?”

Sam and Dean share a look, before Dean sighs, “We don’t know. But there are angels trying to stop it.”

You think he’s lying, but you’re distracted by the second bit of information he gives you, “ _Angels_?”

“Yeah,” Sam says, “but, look, that’s a whole other conversation. We came to rescue these girls and stop these demons from breaking another seal. Do you want to help us or not?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Dean says before either of you can answer, “We’re taking it from here. Why don’t you girls head off and find another case with a bit less Biblical prophecy attached to it?”

You flush, chagrined, “What gives you the right to tell us what to do? We were here first!”

“Yeah, and you’ve gotten about as far as I’d expect with the shoddy research you had,-”

“Hey!” your sister protests.

“-but we know what’s really going on here so why don’t you let us take this one, save you girls the suicide mission, okay?” he says.

“What, you think you just bust outta Hell and suddenly you deserve the #1 Hunter trophy?” you spit, “Newsflash Winchester, you died in the first place! So clearly you’re not as good a hunter as you’re playing at! Now, this was _our_ case, and we’re more than willing to take your help if you’re gonna play nice with others. But if not, hit the road, ‘cause I’m not gonna be one-upped by some pretty boy who thinks he’s hot shit just ‘cause he’s been to Hell and back.”

You let out a frustrated huff at the end of your rant, and are pleased to see a bewildered look on his face, his brother and S/N both smirking at the scene.

He smiles and hold his hands up in surrender, “Alright, sweetheart, you’re running the show. Now, you wanna come back to our motel room and look at Sammy’s research on where the girls could’ve been taken, or’ve you got that figured out too?”

“Lead the way,” you grunt.

* * *

The Winchesters turn out to be fairly competent hunters. Usually it’s just you and your sister, and you’re hesitant to let anyone else in. You want to continue to mistrust these boys, but they’re proving themselves to be quite handy. They’re intelligent, brave, they _certainly_ know their stuff, and they aren’t bad to look at either.

S/N gets along well with Sam, the two of them pouring over research to figure out where the girls had been taken and when the sacrifice would be going down based on the lore. You like Sam well enough, too. He’s a little softer around the edges than his brother, and infinitely more patient, which makes him easier to get on with.

Your personality clashes with Dean’s somewhat fiercely. You try to cut him some slack; the man _had_ just gotten out of Hell and was clearly carrying some demons darker than you’d ever seen. You tended to react based solely on emotion, though, and didn’t often think shit through before it left your mouth. This is what causes several heated arguments between you and the green-eyed hunter over the course of the week that it takes the four of you to locate the missing girls. Sometimes you argued over even the most trivial of things just for the sake of arguing. Like today, when you were arguing over why Dean wanted you to leave your vehicle behind and ride with them instead. You didn’t really care much about the car you’d been using, it was stolen after all, but it was the principle of the thing.

“I don’t see why we had to take your car,” you grumble.

“I told you, Y/N, I’m not getting into that little thing you call a vehicle! And it’s better if we all stay together,” he snaps.

“It’s better than this piece of junk,” you comment angrily.

“Oh, you did not just insult my Baby!” he yells, eyes darting to you in the rear view mirror, a scowl on his face.

You smirk triumphantly. You’ve got nothing against his car. It’s nice, actually. But there’s something about the fuming look on his face that feels like victory. Feels like you _won_.

“Can you two stop going at each other’s throats for five seconds?” Sam says, exasperated, “Seriously. We’re working a case here, or have you forgotten?”

“Sorry, Sam,” you grumble, “I just don’t understand the necessity in leaving my car behind. I liked that car. I haven’t even had it long.”

“Then you won’t miss it,” Dean snaps, “Now, you wanna be pissy at me all day, or you wanna work?”

“Work,” you sigh, “What time is it?”

“2:30,” S/N says, “The eclipse is in an hour.”

“You wanna speed it up, old man?” you usher Dean, “There are lives on the line.”

“I’m already speeding, Y/N!” he tells you, accelerating a little more, “We’ll make it!”

The demon, you figured out, had been possessing a nun who’d gone missing from an abbey in Nebraska about a month ago. The seal was for her to kill 16 virgin girls under the light of a solar eclipse on hallowed ground. Sam and S/N had managed to track her down to an abandoned church about four hours from town.

When you pull up to the church, you already know something’s not right. You steal a glance up at the sky where the moon is slowly making its way across to blot out the sun. You double check that your bottle of holy water is on your hip and heft your gun loaded with rock salt to your shoulder.

“Y/N,” Dean stops you, lifting a little silver knife and offering it to you, “Do you know what this is?”

“A knife?” you raise an eyebrow at him.

“It kills demons,” he tells you.

“You can’t **kill** a demon,” you retort, “You have to exorcise it.”

“You wanna take the knife or tell me how to do my damn job?” he says gruffly, “We got it from a demon, trust me, it works.”

“You got it from a demon, and I’m supposed to trust you?” you ask hesitantly, but take the knife, “Why are you giving it to me?”

“Chances are Sister Maria isn’t the only demon in there,” Dean says, “Sam and I will go in front, and you and your sister go around back and get those girls out while we distract them.”

“Shouldn’t you take this, then?” you ask, unwilling to admit to yourself that you’re worried about him.

He shakes his head, “We’ll be fine. You take it, just in case.”

“Thanks, Dean,” you say quietly.

He looks at you, an expression on his face that you can’t quite read, then he’s turning away, lifting his gun and ushering his brother over, “Okay, you two sneak around back and first opportunity you get, you get those girls out of there. Come on, Sam, let’s go.”

Your feeling of foreboding only increases as you enter the church. Something is very, _very_ wrong. It’s already too late. The eclipse isn’t even at its peak, but already, the bodies of victims and demons alike litter the floor, their eyes burned from their skulls. You feel like you’re gonna be sick.

“What could have done this?” S/N whispers.

“Angels,” Sam says sadly.

“ _Angels_ did this?” you ask incredulously.

At the same time, Dean shouts, “Damnitt, Cas!”

“Who’s Cas?” you ask, that worried feeling in your gut not letting up.

“Castiel!” Dean roars at the sky, “Get your feathery ass down here!”

“Hello, Dean.”

You whirl around at the sudden appearance of a third man, with dark hair, and striking blue eyes, and you protectively move over next to S/N on instinct.

“What the hell is this, Cas?” Dean growls, gesturing at the bloody scene all around you.

The angel blinks and looks around like he’s noticing the scene for the first time, “This was not my doing,” he frowns.

“Well, _someone_ up there did it!” Dean shouts.

“You’re angry,” the angel observes.

“Damn right, I’m angry!” he yells.

“I don’t understand,” says the angel, “The seal hasn’t been broken. This one has been stopped. This is a good thing.”

Dean looks at him incredulously, “The deaths of sixteen innocent teenage girls, that’s a good thing to you?”

“I assure you, they are resting in Heaven,” Castiel says, as if that somehow makes it better.

Dean shakes his head, “I wanna know which one of you winged bastards did this!”

“I don’t know which one of my brothers could have done this, Dean,” Cas says, “But if they were acting on orders from Heaven-”

“Screw your orders!” Dean shouts, “Screw Heaven! Screw you! Screw Lilith, and this whole damn apocalypse! I never asked for you to save me, and I definitely didn’t ask for the rest of this! Find someone else to save the damn world, I’m done!”

“Dean,” the angel says seriously, “You were chosen by God-”

“Screw God, too!” Dean yells, “I can’t even save a group of teenagers from one demon! How am I supposed to stop the damn apocalypse? I’m just one man, Cas,” his voice breaks at the end and suddenly you’re seeing Dean Winchester in a whole new light. Less like the impatient, bossy nuisance he’s been to you for the past couple of days and more like a broken man with the weight of the world resting on his shoulders. If only you’d known, maybe you would’ve gone easy on him. But you suppose, a guy like Dean, he wouldn’t have wanted you to. He wouldn’t have wanted you to think he was weak.

“Dean,” Sam says softly, resting a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder.

Dean sighs and looks up at the angel with an expression of defeat, “You tell your brothers that the next one of them to get in my way is gonna get shish kabob’d. No more casualties, Cas. Let me do my damn job and stay out of it.”

Cas nods once and says softly, “I’m sorry, Dean,” before disappearing.

* * *

You lean up against the Impala and take the beer he offers you silently, sipping it back as you watch Sam and S/N talk, sitting on a bench just outside of the church, trying to calculate your next move.

“They hit it off pretty well,” you comment, taking another sip of your beer.

Dean only grunts in response.

“Your brother’ll be a gentleman, right? ‘Cause I’m pretty protective of my baby sister, and I won’t hesitate to kick his ass if I need to.”

He chuckles a little at that, “No, I can’t imagine you would… Yeah, Sam’ll treat her right, if she gets that far. My brother doesn’t let people in that easy.”

“Easier than you,” you comment.

“Seems that way, doesn’t it?” he chuckles again, “Sam’s cautious. He’s been through some rough relationships. If your sister’s just looking for a roll in the hay, I’d say she’s golden, but anything else… I don’t see it happening with him right now,” he takes a swig from his bottle, “but hey, he could surprise me. He’s been known to do that.”

“What about you?” you ask.

“What about me?”

“Are you cautious?” you clarify.

He laughs, “Oh, honey, it would take hours for me to tell you the list of reasons you’re better off not barking up that tree.”

You stand in silence for a while as you finish your beer and watch your sister with Sam.

“The next town is only a couple hours away,” Sam says as they approach you, “I figure we hit a motel there and crash until we figure out our next move. Then the girls can go their own way, or, you know… come along.”

Dean raises his eyebrow at his brother but says nothing but, “Yeah, okay,” and downs the rest of his beer before climbing back into the car.

When you get to the motel, S/N is half asleep and you have to half-carry her to your room.

Sam smiles at you and says goodnight as you disappear into your own room with her, Dean just watches you silently before he goes into his room as well.

“I like Sam,” S/N mumbles sleepily, “He’s pretty.”

“Yeah,” you agree, laughing a little at your sleepy sister.

“And he’s nice. And smart. And pretty.”

“You said pretty twice, S/N,” you chuckle.

“Well, he deserves it,” she yawns, “He’s double pretty. Dean’s pretty too.”

“Yeah,” you agree, a blush creeping up your cheeks and you mentally kick yourself.

“I think he likes you,” she says.

You shake your head, “Are you kidding me? All we do is fight. He gets on my damn nerves. Besides, I think he’s got bigger problems than that right now, S/N.”

“Yeah, like the apocalypse,” she mutters, eyes falling closed, “You think God really chose him? You think he’s that special?”

“I don’t know about God,” you whisper, “But I know Dean is special. You know I don’t put much stock in faith, and from what we’ve seen of angels today, I’m glad I don’t. But I think, if anyone can stop the apocalypse, it’s Dean.”

“You _liiiiiiike_ him,” your sister teases.

“Shut up,” you smile, “Go to sleep.”


	3. I'm Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He makes you so crazy, he's gonna burn you to the ground.

“You’re not coming, Y/N!” he shouts again.

“It’s the damn apocalypse, Dean! S/N and I don’t exactly have the kind of experience to deal with this on our own! What are we supposed to do? The more of us working on this the better, right?” you argue.

“No, not better! This is **my** job, Y/N!”

“You don’t have to do it alone, Dean!” you yell, “S/N and I are hunters too, we can help you! You just have to let us in!”

“She’s right, Dean, we could use the help.” Sam says.

“Shut up, Sam!” Dean snaps, “You two don’t have the hunter’s experience to deal with this? Then get out of the life while you can. Go and be normal people for a while before the world ends.”

“The world doesn’t have to end,” you argue,” We can help you.”

“No.”

“ _Why_?”

“Because this is on **me** , okay? I started this! I’ve gotta finish it, and I’m not gonna drag you and your sister into all of my shit and get you killed! Go home!” he yells.

“We don’t have a home to go to,” you say quietly, “We don’t know how to be normal people anymore. And whatever you did or didn’t do doesn’t matter. You don’t have to save the whole damn world by yourself, Dean. Let us help you.”

“Y/N-”

“No, Dean! You’re not the damn boss, okay? I want to help! I want to kill some demons, I wanna save the world, and I want to do it with you and Sam, okay? Now you can take off if you want and leave us here, but if you do you better expect to see us again because we’ll follow you. You aren’t the only hunters on the planet. Let us do our job, too,” you interrupt.

He sighs and looks away for a minute, eyes wandering over to where Sam and your sister are watching the confrontation, before he fixes you with a defeated stare, “You’re not gonna take no for an answer, are you?”

You shake your head, “Nope.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a hunter. The world is ending. And this is my job, too,” you say, “Whatever cosmic responsibility that you have… I live on this planet too, and I’ve got just as much right to fight for it as you do.”

“Fine,” he says after a minute.

“So we’re coming with you?” you clarify, “And we’re in this ‘til the end, okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

Sam and Dean take you to South Dakota to their friend Bobby’s house. There, the five of you work on tracking a demon named Lilith, who Sam says is the one trying to break the seals and set Lucifer free. You nearly throw a fit when you meet Ruby, and you see Sam and S/N fight for the first time.

“You expect us to work with a demon?” she yells at him while you, Dean, and Bobby listen from another room.

“I know how it looks, S/N, but she’s been helping me a lot. She doesn’t want the apocalypse to happen anymore than we do!”

“And you _believe_ her? You trust her?”

“I mean, she’s saved my life, she’s helped us out before, so yeah, I do,” he tries to explain.

“I thought you were different, Sam! I thought you were **good**!” your sister cries, “I can’t believe I almost fell for this again!”

She storms past you angrily and leaves, slamming the door. Dean shoots you a look.

“Again?” he raises an eyebrow.

“This isn’t the first time S/N has worked with a demon,” you explain, “Her ex fiancé was a hunter, trusted a demon, got our family killed. We’ve been on the road ever since. That was almost five years ago.”

“Why’d he trust it?” he asks.

You shrug, “Means to an end, I guess. Do a little evil for a greater good. I never got the full story.”

He gives a little hum of understanding, “That’s weird. You and your sister seem pretty close.”

“You mean like you and Sam?” you ask, giving him a look, “He tell you everything?”

He doesn’t answer.

“Didn’t think so,” you chuckle.

“You gonna go after her?” he asks after a minute.

You shake your head, “No. She’s got every right to be angry. Hell, I’m a little on edge myself. Working with a demon just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”

“Tell me about it,” he says, “I don’t trust her either, but turns out she can be kind of useful sometimes so-”

“I heard that, Dean,” the demon says, walking into the room with Sam in tow.

“So what?” Dean asks, “You got feelings all of a sudden?”

“Alright,” Sam interrupts, giving his brother a look before turning to the demon, “Just tell him what you told me.”

“Well, I don’t know where Lilith is,” she starts.

“Well, that’s _fantastic_ ,” says Dean, “Good work.”

“-but I might know where she’s gonna be,” she finishes, glaring at him.

“Where?” he asks.

“That little stunt the angels pulled in Montana scared a lot of her supporters away. The talk is she’s going after the next seal herself to make sure the job gets done,” Ruby says.

“And?” prompts Dean, “What’s the next seal?”

“I was eavesdropping, okay? You’re lucky I got that much!” Ruby defends, “Why don’t you ask your angel?”

Dean sighs, “Cas is… Cas is playing for both teams here, I’m never sure if I can trust him.”

“He’s our best shot, Dean,” Sam says.

The thought of bringing the angel back here turns your stomach more than even working with a demon.

“After what happened in Montana?” Dean argues, “Sam, I don’t want him anywhere near another case.”

“It wasn’t him, it was another angel,” replies Sam.

“It might as well have been!” Dean snaps, “You think there’s a difference between Cas and any other feathery douchebag up there? They’re all the same, Sam! They’re all after the same thing! And you’ve seen what they’re willing to do for it! I’m not doing it, I’m not calling Cas.”

“You got a better idea at how we’re gonna pinpoint Lilith?” Bobby asks, “I don’t like it any more ‘n you do, but it looks like the only play on the board right now.”

“No,” Dean says gruffly.

“Why not, Dean?” Sam asks, frustrated, “Cas knows all the seals, he’d know where Lilith is headed next. Without him all we can do is try and figure out what all the seals even are and take a random shot in the dark.”

“I don’t trust him, Sam, not for a minute. And I definitely don’t trust him if he doesn’t see the problem with murdering 16 innocent teenage girls!” Dean roars.

Ruby shrugs, “You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette, right?”

Dean shakes his head, “When demons and angels start sounding the same something is definitely messed up.”

“Dean-”

“I said no, Sam!” Dean grabs his jacket and heads for the door, “So figure something else out, okay?”

After that, Ruby leaves, and Bobby heads back to his desk to try and figure out which of the seals Lilith might be trying to break next, and you and Sam are left alone on the couch.

“What did… what did S/N mean by ‘she thought I was good’?” asks Sam.

You shake your head, “My sister hasn’t had the best luck with guys,” you tell him, “I guess she was hoping you’d be different. But why should you? Everyone my sister’s ever been interested in lets us down.”

He studies your face for a moment, his expression a mask of deep contemplation, “I like S/N, I think she’s great, but-”

“Save it, Sam. It doesn’t matter now,” you interrupt.

“Any other time in my life, things might’ve gone different, Y/N, but… S/N’s right. I’m **not** good. But I’m trying to be. I’m trying to save the world. I’m trying to fix things,” he tries to explain.

“What do you want, a ribbon?” you snap, turning to face him, “Look, Sam, I don’t know what it is you’ve done in your past, and I don’t know what Dean did to jumpstart the apocalypse, and I don’t _want_ to know. I don’t care. Who you are in this moment is what matters. And in this moment you’re working with a demon, and that just doesn’t sit right with me. You can tell yourself that what you’re doing is temporary, that it’s a means to an end, but at the end of the day you’ve gotta take a long hard look in the mirror at who you are and whether how it’s changing you is worth it. You’re not good enough for my sister, Sam, but it’s got nothing to do with your past, or what you’ve done. It’s got to do with who you are and what you’re willing to do. So if you change your mind and realize what a catch my sister is, don’t bother trying until you’ve had that look in the mirror.”

You get up and leave him sitting there, barrelling past Bobby and out the door, where you almost run smack into your sister.

“Y/N,” she sighs when she sees it’s you.

“Are you okay?” you ask.

She shrugs, “Is the demon gone?”

You nod, “Hey, forget Sam, okay? He’s not good enough for you anyway. He’s just another Derek.”

She nods, “Yeah, I know how to pick ‘em, don’t I?”

You pull her into a one-armed hug, “There are so many other guys out there, S/N. Ones that _aren’t_ hunters!”

She scoffs, “Right, ‘cause that’d work out.”

You shrug, “It could. You never know. Hunters are all assholes anyway.”

She smiles, “What about Dean?”

“ _Especially_ Dean!” you laugh, sighing, “Have you seen him?”

She nods and points, “He’s in the garage. I was just talking to him actually.”

“Thanks,” you mumble, patting her on the shoulder before you head off toward the garage.

You find him under the hood of his car, sleeves pushed up around his biceps, covered in grease from the elbows down. Your eyes sweep appreciatively over his body and you sigh, mentally kicking yourself once again and telling yourself it would _never_ happen and he’s a dick anyway.

“Dean?” you say quietly to get his attention.

He looks up at you, scowling, “What?” he grunts, going back under the hood.

You shift awkwardly from foot to foot, trying not to look at him, “I agree with you… about not calling the angel. I don’t know him like you do, but… he honestly scares me.”

Dean doesn’t respond.

“Are you okay?” you ask, “It seemed like you two were friends…”

He sighs and stands up straight from where he was bent over his car, arms crossed, looking at you with frustration, “Why do you care, Y/N?”

You take a step back, frowning, “What do you mean, ‘why do I care’? You’ve got a lot resting on your shoulders, Dean, I just came to see if you were okay.”

“You don’t have to friggen babysit me, okay, Y/N? I can handle my shit on my own,” he says angrily.

Anger flares up in you, and you take a firm step toward him, looking up at him with fury in your eyes, “I’m not _babysitting_ you, Dean, I could give a shit about what you do! _Excuse me_ for being a nice person and caring to see if you were okay! You want to internalize all your shit and shoulder it on your own and not let anyone help you, you go right ahead! I’m done trying to get through to you!” You barrel past him, shoving your shoulder into his body as you go, but he grabs your arm to stop you.

“Let go of me, Dean,” you whisper dangerously.

“Y/N-”

“All I have tried to do is help you, and you are constantly at my throat! In the three weeks that I have known you, you have undermined my ability as a hunter, argued with my every call, picked fights with me about trivial useless things, implied that I can’t take care of myself, haven’t trusted me enough to tell me what’s going on with you, and you know what? I’m done with it!”

“It’s for your own good!” he snaps.

“What the hell are you talking about?” you ask angrily.

“I’m poison, Y/N! I started this whole thing. Everyone around me gets hurt. I’m a fucking curse and you’re better off taking your sister and heading for the hills. You’re better off hating me!” he shouts.

“Well, you got your wish, Winchester, because I can’t fucking stand you!” you shriek back, wrenching your arm from his grasp, but instead of leaving you step closer to him, “I can’t stand that you take control of every situation that you’re in. I can’t stand that you’re so protective over everyone around you. I can’t stand your stupid attractive smirk, or your fucking gorgeous green eyes! I can’t stand that stupid, sexy car, or your infuriating devil-may-care attitude, or the way you _smile_ at me. I can’t stand you, Dean Winchester, and how much you make me wanna-”

Your rant is cut off by his lips crashing against yours, his hands wrapping around your arms to hold you close to him and your anger dissipates for a moment, transforming into passion as you grab his face and kiss him back fiercely.

He spins the two of you to push you against the car, pinning your body against it with his own as his hands run down your arms to explore your body and yours find themselves in his hair. The kiss can’t have lasted for more than a few minutes but it feels like an eternity you’re spending drowning in him and you never want to come up for air.

When he breaks away, you’re both breathing heavily and his green eyes have darkened as he looks at you with that infuriating smirk.

“I make you wanna what, Y/N?” he pants.

“Shut up, Dean,” you mumble, fisting his shirt in your hand and pulling his face roughly back to yours.

He smiles under your kiss and playfully nips your bottom lip, causing you to growl and tug him roughly closer to you, slipping your arms around his waist, fingers playing with his belt loops behind his back as you lean up to keep your face securely to his. You’re suddenly irrationally angry that he’s so much taller than you.

“Y/N,” he mumbles in warning against your lips as you grind your hips against his, hands splaying over his ass to push him closer to you.

“Shut up,” you tell him again, trying to push your bodies impossibly closer, hooking one leg around his hip as you brace yourself against the car for support.

He lets out a quiet moan as your lips move eagerly to his neck, one hand tightening in his hair and wrenching his head back to give yourself room. You smile at the noise and chuckle against his skin in giddy abandonment as you take in your situation. Him pressed up against you, his skin under your lips, the smell of alcohol and grease and gasoline and fried foods, the quiet breathy noises he makes as you suck a mark onto his neck.

“Y/N…” he breathes, “Y/N, stop.”

You heave a sigh of frustration and pull away from him, “What, Dean?”

“I _can’t_ ,” he whispers brokenly, “You can’t.”

“Why not?” you demand.

“I **told** you why not!” he growls, “Y/N, you and your sister are in danger here. Besides, you don’t look like the kinda girl that just wants a fling, and honey, I ain’t boyfriend material. I’m not gonna drag you into all of my shit, I can’t do that to you. I’m damaged goods, sweetheart, I’m-”

“Cursed?” you finish for him, “Dean, I don’t care. I can handle it. Whatever it is, I can handle it.”

He shakes his head, “You have no idea what’s going on with me. This is bigger than just emotional baggage, Y/N, I got no doubt that you could handle that baggage, that you could handle my attitude, or my alcoholism, or my temper… but, honey, you can’t handle the hellfire burning in my skull. You can’t handle what I see every time I shut my eyes. You can’t handle the man I’ve become since Castiel dragged my ass out of the pit. I am not a _person_ anymore, Y/N, I’m just pieces. And those pieces are on fire. And there ain’t enough glue or duct tape in the world to put them back together.”

Moisture collects under his eyelids and you resist the urge to wipe it from his cheeks as it trickles down and falls from his chin. You resist the urge to pull him close to you and kiss his soft lips and tell him it’s okay. You don’t _know_ if it is okay. You don’t know if it will ever be okay again.

“I don’t want to fix you, Dean,” you say quietly, “No one can put you back together but you. That’s not what I’m here for. I want you. Just the way you are. In whatever form you come in. And if you wanna lean on me when you’re ready to pick up those burning pieces, then I’m here for that, too. I promise you, I can handle it. You don’t have to let me in, you don’t have to let me see that hellfire, I’m not going to push you, but I promise I can handle this. I can handle you.”

He sighs and closes his eyes like he’s very, very tired, leaning his body back up against yours against the car. You stay like that for a while, just holding him against you as he breathes, and you think maybe this is his answer, and it’s all the answer you need, but then he looks down at you sadly and breathes, “Y/N, I _can’t_ …”

You kiss him softly on the lips before slipping out from underneath him, “It’s okay, Dean. I don’t need anything from you. Forget this ever happened.” You start to walk away, tears welling in your eyes, angry with yourself for your own stupidity.

“Y/N,” he says more loudly. You freeze but don’t look back at him. “You should go back to hating me,” he says stoically.

You laugh, and it sounds menacing, “I don’t fucking hate you, Dean!” you snap, “You _infuriate_ me. You piss me the hell off, and it’s exciting, and I love every damn minute of it.”


	4. Hellfire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your guilt can wait.

The hair stands up on the back of your neck as the air around you cools and the wind stirs the bottom of your shirt. Your hand is clasped in S/N’s and she’s eyeing the demon on the other side of Sam suspiciously, but you don’t have a thought to spare for her right now. You’re more concerned with the angel standing in front of the five of you, having just appeared in the middle of the crowded car lot when Sam called out his name.

Dean didn’t know you were doing this. You hadn’t wanted to do this, but Bobby, Sam, and Ruby seemed to think it was the only way you were ever gonna track Lilith down.

“What’s she doing here?” the angel asked, shooting a disdainful glare at Ruby, “And where is Dean?”

“Dean’s not here, Castiel,” Sam says calmly, “He doesn’t know we’re talking to you.”

He furrows his vessel’s brow in confusion, “What is this about, Sam?”

“It’s about Lilith,” he says, “We’re hoping you might know where she’s going to be. She’s going after the next seal herself. I need you to tell me so I can kill her.”

The angel shakes his head, “ _You_ can’t, Sam, only Dean can-”

“Dean can’t do it, Cas, he’s not strong enough. This is what I am _meant_ to do.”

“Dean was chosen. This is his destiny.”

“This is **my** destiny!” Sam argues.

“Why?” Castiel looks angry, “Because ademon told you it was?”

Sam shakes his head, “No, because I can feel it. It’s in my blood-”

“Your _demon_ blood,” the angel says, “Your powers are getting stronger, Sam, I’ve seen that. I don’t know how, but know that if you continue down this path it will and very badly for you.”

“Is that a threat?” Sam asks angrily.

“It’s a prophecy,” snaps Castiel, “You’re getting stronger, Sam, but you’re no match for Lilith, and you’re no match for us. We’ve left you alone out of courtesy for Dean, but know that if he will not stop you, we will be forced to intervene.”

“Bring it on,” Sam growls, “You have no idea how much stronger I’ve gotten.”

“Can we compare dick sizes later, boys?” Ruby steps in, “Regardless of whose _destiny_ it is, someone still has to kill Lilith and if that’s gonna happen we have to find her first. Do you know where she is or not?”

The angel gives her a withering stare and her sudden bravado diminishes a little. She steps back behind Sam, away from the angel.

“There are countless possible seals,” Castiel finally says, “and no way of knowing which one Lilith intends to break next.”

“Great,” you breathe, “So this was all for nothing.”

The angel turns to look at you and cocks his head as if he’s only just noticing you and your sister standing there. You fidget under the weight of his piercing blue gaze as he studies you for a few minutes before turning back to Sam and saying, “However, there is one seal that can only be broken on the summer solstice.”

“That’s next week,” S/N comments.

“Yes,” Cas agrees, “The seal shall be broken when a natural born leader with a pure heart is killed and devoured under the moon of the summer solstice.”

“A natural born leader?” Sam echoes.

“Like a king,” S/N supplies, “Royal blood. Born into a position of leadership.”

“How many kings you know in the US?” Bobby asks gruffly, “Or are we gonna have to go international for this one?”

“I don’t think it needs to be that literal,” Sam thinks aloud, “It could be someone inheriting their family company or business.”

“Alright,” you say, “What about the pure heart? How many trust fund kids you know that’d fit that description?”

“Could be the virgin thing again,” S/N offers, “Purity is a recurring theme in Christianity.”

“Great, so we’ll find Lilith with some fifteen year old business tycoon in line to inherit daddy’s company?” Ruby scoffs, “ _That_ shouldn’t be hard.”

“It didn’t say pure of body, it said pure of heart,” Sam points out, “Which differs from the last time the seal was broken with virgin blood.”

“So, what are you thinking then?” you ask, all eyes in the group turned to Sam. You can practically see the cogs turning in his brain, and he chews his bottom lip a little as he thinks.

“Pure intentions,” Castiel says, breaking Sam out of his thoughts, “Acts of divine kindness separate the pure of heart.”

Sam nods slowly as if that’s what he’d been thinking, “There’s a clothing company out of New York that makes most of it’s money selling furs. It’s a big news story right now because the head of the company has cancer and his son is set to take over, only he’s a huge animal rights activist and plans to shut the company down. That sound like the kind of thing that would qualify as an act of divine kindness, Cas?”

The angel thinks for a minute before nodding once, “Yes, I believe that could be the target for the next seal.”

“Great, so we’re going to New York,” Ruby says after the angel disappears.

“Wait,” you interrupt, “What about Dean?”

“Y/N,” Sam says seriously, “Ruby and I will go after Lilith, you and S/N stay here and make sure Dean doesn’t follow us.”

“No!” you protest.

“Now, Sam-” Bobby starts,

“This is something I **have** to do, Bobby!” Sam exclaims.

“Why? For revenge? Because she killed Dean?” Bobby asks, “If you haven’t noticed, Dean’s topside and breathing air, Sam.”

“It’s more than that, Bobby,” Sam says quietly, “This is something I know I have to do. I’m the only one who can.”

“Not according to the angels,” you point out.

“You trust the angels?” he asks.

“Better than trusting a demon!” you snap.

The air crackles between you as you stare each other down, his eyes flickering between you and your sister, yours between him and his demon.

“Y/N,” Sam says finally, “Dean can’t know that-”

“Dean can’t know what?” asks Dean, strolling into the middle of the group, a look of irritation on his face.

“Nothing,” Sam mumbles.

“Oh, yeah?” Dean raises his eyebrows and turns to you, “That your answer too, Y/N?

You sigh, your eyes flickering from Dean to Sam and back again before you nod, “Yeah… it’s nothing, Dean.”

“Right… so you guys are just out here to watch the friggen sunset then, is that it?” he sneers.

“Dean-” Bobby starts, but Sam shoots him a look.

You want to tell Dean about Lilith and the seal, and about Sam’s plan, but to do that you’d have to tell him that you betrayed him and summoned the angel… so you stay quiet. You’re sure that’s why Bobby bites his tongue as well.

“Not one of you is gonna tell me what the hell is going on here?” Dean asks angrily, “Seriously, Sam?”

“We were just talking, Dean. It wasn’t important,” Sam mumbles.

Dean shakes his head, “I can’t fucking believe this,” he shoots you a look, “If one of you decides you suddenly know what happened here, I’ll be in the garage.” He stomps away.

You feel like shit. Guilt tears at your insides like hot iron twisting in your gut. You want to follow him, but you hesitate. Things have already been so tense between you since that day in the garage, this was just one more thing to fight about.

“Thank you,” Sam says quietly.

“I didn’t do it for you,” you snap, “My ass is on the line now, too. I never wanted to call the damn angel in the first place.”

“Yeah, well, it worked, didn’t it?” Ruby says, “Be grateful. We’re one step closer to icing that Hell bitch.”

“And the second we do, I’m shoving that nifty knife of yours so far up your ass-”

“Alright, alright,” Bobby cuts you off, “We won’t solve nothing by fighting. Sam, I think you need to tell your brother what you’re planning here.”

“You know he would only try to stop me, Bobby,” Sam says.

“Hell, I have half a mind to try an’ stop you,” he admits, “I don’t think your head’s in the right place, Sam. It’s this whole psychic thing…”

“I’m killing demons, Bobby, it’s what we do! Who cares how I’m doing it?”

“I want in,” S/N interrupts them suddenly.

“What?” Sam asks.

“If you and Ruby are going after Lilith, I want in,” she repeats, “I’m coming with you.”

“Uh, no you’re not,” Ruby says.

S/N ignores her, eyes only on Sam.

“You know I can’t let you do that, S/N,” he says softly.

“Either I come with you, or I tell Dean everything and I go with him when he follows you to drag your ass back home,” she threatens.

“S/N…” you say quietly, hoping she knows what she’s doing.

“We don’t have time for this, Sam,” Ruby snaps, “Lilith could be there already.”

“The solstice isn’t for a week,” Sam answers monotonously, “Even if she has him, she can’t kill him yet.”

“So?” S/N prompts.

“Why do you want to come?” he asks her.

“Honestly?” she says, “I don’t trust her, and I don’t trust you, Sam, not anymore. But I want this whole apocalypse thing over as much as anyone else, so I figure someone should go with you to make sure you get the job done.”

He contemplates that for a second, “You can’t stop me, you know. If you’re thinking of double crossing me, you can’t.”

She nods, “I know. I’m not. I just want Lilith dead and the world to keep spinning. So we good here?”

“Fine,” he says, “We’re leaving first thing in the morning. And, Y/N… keep your mouth shut about this to Dean.”

You scowl at the back of his head as the group disperses.

“What are you planning?” you ask S/N.

“I just wanna keep an eye on him. This whole demon blood, psychic nonsense is news to me and I don’t like it. There’s no way that demon bitch is on our side. I don’t believe it even for a second. She’s playing him, and he’s dangerous without someone like her pulling his strings,” she sighs, “Y/N… you _have_ to tell Dean. I don’t know if he can stop Sam, but I believe the angels when they say he’s the only one who can stop Lilith.”

“He’s gonna be so pissed,” you sigh dejectedly.

“This is bigger than you, Y/N!”

“I know, S/N! I’ll do it! I just… I’m not looking forward to it is all.”

She rests a hand on your shoulder and gives you a small smile, “If Dean can’t see how good you are for him, Y/N, that’s his loss.”

You chuckle, “It’s more like he thinks _he_ isn’t good enough for _me_. Has he ever looked in a friggen mirror?”

“Have you?” S/N smirks.

You roll your eyes, “Alright… go pack. Be careful, S/N.”

She nods, “I will. Good luck, Y/N.”

“Yeah,” you breathe.

You’re gonna need it.

* * *

You and Bobby watch from the kitchen window as the three of them take off in the wee hours of the morning before Dean wakes. The old man heaves a heavy, dejected sigh and slams back another shot of whiskey before turning away from the window, “I hope that kid knows what he’s doing.”

“Why’d you let him go?” you ask.

“Same reason you did I suspect,” he says, “Not much I can do to stop him. And I hate to say it around Dean, but… sometimes I think the kid may be our only shot. I don’t like it anymore ’n he does, but Sam’s got some serious mojo. If he can kill Lilith, he should take his shot.”

“I’m going to tell Dean,” you tell him, “I have to.”

He nods, “I thought you would,” he hands you the bottle of whiskey, “Here. Take this. He’ll need it.”

You take the bottle and smile in thanks at the old man before heading up the stairs to the room where Dean is sleeping. You hesitate outside the door, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot and taking a few deep breaths to gather yourself. You’re not sure exactly how he’s going to react but you know it won’t be good. After what seems like forever, you finally raise your hand to knock at the door, but it opens before you can.

“You gonna come in, or stand out in the hallway all day?” he greets you gruffly, taking the whiskey bottle from your hands and standing aside so you can enter.

You shuffle awkwardly into the room, eyes on the floor as you try and make sense of your jumbled thoughts and work out what you plan to say.

When you finally look up, you’re met with a smirk and those deep green eyes much closer to yours than you had anticipated, something in them that you can’t make out but that makes your heartbeat quicken and your breath catch in your throat.

“Dean-” you start.

“Me first,” he interrupts, “I went to Hell, Y/N. Hell. Whatever you’re imagining when I say that, it’s a hundred times worse. And I’m not gonna talk about it, and I’m not gonna lay out my _feelings_ or all my shit in the table for you ‘cause I don’t do that. What I am gonna do is drink until it doesn’t seem so bad anymore, and I’m gonna kill some sons of bitches from Hell, and I’m gonna be angry and impossible to understand sometimes. That’s me, Y/N, that’s what I do. That’s who I am. You can’t fix that, you _can’t_ pick up those burning pieces and try to put them back together because they don’t fit anymore. You said you don’t want to fix me, Y/N, but that’s all women _ever_ want! They want you to let them in, and talk about shit, and get emotional. And I’m not gonna do that, Y/N! I _can’t_ do that, because if I let that Hellfire out even for just a second, I don’t think I can reign it in again. You can tell me all you want that that’s not what you want from me, but you _do_ , Y/N! I know you do. Because if you don’t want that from me then I have no friggen clue _what_ you want. And I’ve got nothing to give.”

You take a hesitant step closer to him and rest a hand on his arm, causing him to look at you.

“I don’t need anything from you, Dean,” you whisper softly, “I don’t need you to do anything or be anything other than exactly what you are. You’ve got nothing to give? Fine. I don’t want to take. But I’ve got lots to give, if there’s something you need, and I’m more than willing to give it all to you.”

“Y/N… How do you know?” he breathes.

You lean up and capture his lips in a slow, soft kiss, and he lets you. You let out a shaky breath against his skin as you pull away and it tastes like whiskey from his mouth.

“No one makes me as mad as you, Dean,” you tell him, “Everything you do… you drive me crazy.”

He chuckles humorlessly, “That’s the basis of a healthy relationship.”

“Maybe not,” you agree, “but that’s how I know. I’m yours, Dean. I’ve been yours since day one. Whether you want me or not… no one else could ever make me feel this way. Maybe you **are** poison.”

“Y/N,” he says softly, “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Well,” you say, leaning in to press your lips to his again, “This is a good start.”

He sighs under your kiss, his hands wrapping around your waist to hold you closer to him, the whiskey bottle forgotten on the nightstand. Your hands find his hair and you’re straining on your tiptoes as you kiss him. He takes a step forward, guiding you back toward the bed and you allow him to lift your shirt from your body when he tries, lifting your arms so he can pull it off. He moans softly in appreciation and his lips trail down your throat as you both topple back onto the mattress. He crawls over you, lips never leaving your skin, and you take advantage of the position to snake your hands up under his shirt to splay across his back, running them up it, over his shoulders and down his chest, bunching his shirt up at his shoulder blades and reveling in the feeling of his muscles twitching under your hands as they trail across his abdomen.

He reaches over his shoulders and yanks the shirt over his head. Your eyes meet his for the brief moment that his lips aren’t on your skin. They seem nervous, scared even, and you smile at him. _Yes_ , you try to silently tell him, _I want this. I want you. I’m broken too._

You pull him back down into a kiss, hooking your leg over his hip, pulling him between your thighs and grinding up against his hips. Through your skirt and his flimsy pyjama pants hanging low on his hips, there’s not much in the way of the friction you crave, and he gasps and growls low in his throat as you buck into him.

“Y/N,” he groans, one hand running down your torso and over the hem of your skirt to grip at your thigh.

“Please, Dean,” you beg, pushing at his pyjama pants with your foot.

He complies, pushing the pants down his hips and kicking them off. You wrap one hand around his cock and he gasps at the sudden contact, head falling to your shoulder as you run it ever so softly along his shaft from base to tip and back again.

“Fuck, Y/N… How sure are you that you want this?” he breathes.

“About 98% sure,” you tell him.

He raises one eyebrow, “And the other 2%?”

You shrug, “Doubt and insecurity, but I like to ignore those.”

“Good plan,” he agrees, reaching under your skirt to pull your panties down your legs and you lift your hips to allow him.

His cock slips from your hand as he moves down your body and between your thighs, his head dipping between your legs as he places soft kisses to the side of your knee and up your inner thigh until he disappears beneath your skirt.

You suck in a breath as you feel his tongue trail lightly up your slit to flick at your clit, and you hear him chuckle when you buck your hips into his face.

“Dean,” you whine, and his tongue returns to its task, his fingers trailing slowly up your thighs as his tongue quickens its pace against your clit.

You arch your back off the bed and bury your hands in his hair when he sinks two fingers inside you, and you moan loudly. He pulls his face away from between your legs and grins widely at you. You’ve never seen him smile quite like this before and it takes your breath away.

He kisses back up your torso as he pumps his fingers in and out of you, smiling against your skin at the way you squirm beneath him and moan his name quietly.

“Dean,” you breathe, reaching out to tug him toward you, searching for his mouth with your own. He kisses you languidly, pulling his fingers from you and moving up to line up between your thighs. His deep green eyes meet yours again, a question in them as he gazes at you, and you nod. “Please,” you gasp, gripping at his biceps as he slowly pushes into you.

He groans, “Y/N.”

It’s a feeling like you’ve never felt before. You’ve had your fair share of good sex, hell you’re no stranger to even this level of emotional intimacy, but with Dean… it’s something more powerful than you’d anticipated. It’s stronger and yet more fragile than anything before. Two whole’s shattered into pieces, both trying to put the other one together again. It’s hot, and intense, and overwhelming. It feels like fire.

You feel like you’re flying and drowning all at the same time, and as the two of you move together, breath intermingling between you as your mouths meet, part, and meet again, you know he’s feeling it too. You can see it in his eyes, lost in those pools of deep green, never leaving yours save for when he bends to drag open mouthed kisses across your skin.

And when you reach your climax your breath catches in your throat and a loud euphoric moan is torn from your chest. Your nails dig into his shoulders and you feel him tense above you and chase you over the edge, both of you tumbling together through your waves of pleasure and intimacy. You rake blunt nails through short, sweaty hair and hold him close to your body, feeling that fire lifting from you but not quite ready to give it up. Without him, you’re broken. Without each other, you’re both broken. With him you feel whole.

The bed jumps as he falls to the side, arms encircling you as his chest heaves, both of you trying to catch a breath as you snuggle in close to him. He laughs, and the sound makes you smile.

“What?” you ask.

“Can you imagine, if we hadn’t wasted all that time fighting we could have been doing **that** all these weeks!” he huffs.

You smile half-heartedly, “Yeah… Dean, I have to tell you something.”

You swallow as a lump forms in your throat. After that, you don’t want to tell him… but you know you have to.

“What?” he asks seriously, face falling.

“We… we went behind your back and called Castiel,” you admit.

He says nothing, his face setting into a stern, angry expression, jaw clenched. He just looks at you.

You go on, “I know you’re mad, Dean, but it was the only way to find out where Lilith was going to be.”

“Yeah, and what makes you think we have a snowball’s chance in Hell at killing her?” he snaps, “If I was meant to kill her now, the angels would’ve done their there-again-gone-again vanishing act and taken me to her, don’t you think?”

“Well… Sam seems to think you’re not the one who has to kill her,” you say quietly.

He looks at you with fire in his eyes, “Where is Sam, Y/N?”

“They went to New York. That’s where they think Lilith’s going to break the next seal. S/N went with them to keep an eye on him. Dean, we couldn’t stop him. You know how strong he is, there’s nothing we could do,” you try to defend.

“Did you even try?” he snarls, jumping up to pull clothes on, and you follow suit.

“There was no point! It’s Sam! None of us want to hurt him, and there’s not much we can say to stop him. He’s dangerous, Dean… he _scares_ me. I’m not even sure I like that S/N went with him, but…”

“I’m going after them,” he says firmly.

You nod, “I know. I’m coming with you.”

“The _hell_ you are! You’re a part of this!” he roars, “You should have listened to me in the first place!”

“I know, Dean, I’m sorry,” you say, “but I’m here now, and I’m going with you. My sister’s out there too!”

He sighs, “Fine. Let’s go.”

You follow him down the stairs, past Bobby, and out the door.

“Dean-” Bobby starts, but Dean cuts him off.

“You lied to me, too, Bobby,” Dean snaps, “I told you calling Cas wasn’t a move I was willing to make and you all went ahead and did it anyway. Now Sam’s gone, and you did fuck all to stop him.”

“We were trying to-”

“I’m going to save my brother,” he says, “I’m going to fix this mess.”


	5. Something About Those Winchesters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's like watching a train wreck; you want to run but you can't turn away. You already know how this is going to end.

Sam catches S/N’s arm as she brushes past him into her separate motel room. She turns, looking up at him with questioning eyes, irritation plain on her face.

“I wanted to apologize,” he says softly.

“For what?” she asks, not meeting his eyes.

“I never wanted to fight with you. I understand your mistrust… a couple years ago I never would’ve even considered working with a demon. But then Dean was going to Hell, and not the apocalypse is looming over us… you have to understand, S/N, I’m doing this for my brother. If this is the only way I can kill Lilith and stop her from busting open Lucifer’s cage, I gotta do it, S/N. I know the cost, but the benefit outweighs is, don’t you think?” he says.

“Yeah, I guess,” she answers unconvincingly.

He sighs in frustration, “I just want you to understand.”

“Why, Sam?” she snaps, “Why do you have to prove anything to me? I know _why_ you’re doing it. I get it, I do. I would do anything for my sister, too. But the angels say they have a plan. A plan for **Dean** , not you. I’d trust angels over demons any day.”

“Dean isn’t strong enough, S/N,” he tells her quietly, “My brother hasn’t really been himself since he got back from Hell. I am strong enough. I know I am. I can take on Lilith. I can stop the apocalypse, save everyone, save Dean, save you!”

“Don’t turn this on me!” S/N hisses, “I want you to be able to stop the apocalypse as much as anyone! The question is why are you strong enough, Sam? What is this psychic stuff? How is Ruby involved? And why is Dean so worried about it?”

“He just doesn’t understand-”

“Maybe that’s because you’re toting a demon around!”

“Look, S/N, I just need you to trust me on this!”

“Why should I?” she yells, “I barely know you! I wanted so badly to be able to trust you, Sam! Even my sister trusted you two more easily than I’ve ever seen her give her trust. I felt so comfortable around you, but _this_? I can’t do this. I can’t trust someone who would willingly trust a _demon_ \- who would trust her over his own brother! I’m sorry, Sam, I’ve got to trust Dean on this one.”

He drops his arm, releasing his grip on hers, “So that’s how it’s gotta be then?”

She nods, “I believe, deep down, that you’re a good person, Sam. And someday I hope that that’s a Sam that I get to meet. ‘Cause the glimpses I caught of him, I liked. I liked him a lot. But not this person… This isn’t a person I can trust.”

“ _This_ is who I am, S/N. You’re seeing all there is to see,” he grits out through clenched teeth.

“Fine,” she shrugs, “but Dean doesn’t seem to think that’s true, and he knows you best, so I’m putting my faith in him.”

Sam nods slowly, shoulders slumping in defeat as he steps back and away from her, “Yeah… everyone always does.”

* * *

She can hear it through the vent. At first, she thinks they’re kissing noises, and aside from feeling disgusted, she’s honestly not surprised. The demon’s moans are quiet, and she turns away from the vent to tune them out, but then she notices that they sound more like moans of pain than pleasure. Well… okay, they’re a bit of a mix, and honestly it shouldn’t surprise her that a demon is into the rough stuff, but then she realizes that the other noises she’s hearing aren’t exactly kissing noises and she hears the demon say, _“You have to drink more, Sam.”_

_“It’s not gonna be enough, Ruby. I’m not going to be able to go up against Lilith.”_

_“I **told** you I wouldn’t be enough for you to stop her. You need more. You need to **drain** -”_

_“Stop. I’m not doing it. Not with S/N with us. Besides, what about the innocent person the demon is possessing? I’m trying to **save** people, Ruby, not kill them.”_

_“This is war, Sam! In war there are casualties.”_

_“Don’t give me that crap.”_

_“Do you wanna kill Lilith, or not?”_

_“… I do, I just-”_

_“Then stop talking, Sam. You know what you have to do.”_

S/N slips out of bed, staring at the vent with wide eyes. She knew whatever part Ruby had to play in Sam’s rise of power couldn’t have been good, but she’d never expected this.

Quietly, she slips out the door and walks down the block a little before pulling out her cellphone and calling her sister.

* * *

“Seriously? … And you’re sure? … Well, it’s a heavy accusation, S/N, I’m not just gonna tell Dean something like this if you’re not sure! … Fine. … Yes. … Okay. Be careful, S/N.”

Dean leans against the doorframe of the diner you’d just stopped to have lunch at and listens to your conversation. You haven’t noticed he’d come out of the diner yet, and he’s contemplating you with furrowed eyebrows.

You _fascinate_ Dean. You have since he first met you. He thinks the reason you argue so much is because you’re so much alike, and honestly he’s never seen himself with someone so much like himself, but then again he has trouble imagining himself seriously involved with anyone. You **challenge** him, and Dean loves a challenge.

He wants to be angry with you, to yell at you, and fight with you, and let you feel that what you did was wrong. But he can’t honestly say that he wouldn’t have done the same thing. Without any other options, he could see how you could have justified going behind his back like that. Especially since it meant saving the world. It had been reckless, and it hurt him that everyone had lied to him about it, but he couldn’t be angry at you for it.

“What are you not telling e if S/N isn’t sure about it?” he asks, coming up behind you, making you jump.

You sigh, looking up at him worriedly, “You aren’t going to like it.”

He chuckles humorlessly, “Well, that’s pretty much guaranteed these days. Shoot.”

“S/N overheard Sam talking to Ruby… He’s well…” you stop, unsure of how to tell him.

“He’s what, Y/N?” he asks impatiently.

“He’s _drinking_ her blood, Dean. S/N thinks that’s how his psychic thing is getting stronger. He’s chugging demon blood like it’s some kind of otherworldly power shake. S/N said she heard Ruby saying her blood’s not enough for him to take down Lilith, that he’s gonna have to drain some crossroads demon to take her down. Dean… he’s gonna drink some demon’s poor meat suit,” you tell him, starting to panic a little.

A thousand thoughts race through Dean’s mind all at once. Anger, fear, disgust, betrayal; all directed at his brother. His little brother who he’d been protecting his whole life, who he had DIED to protect. His head is spinning and he can feel his burger coming back up. He takes a deep breath through his nose and forces himself to open his eyes again and look at you. He’s freaking out, but he can’t do anything about Sam until he gets to him.

You, on the other hand, he can help.

You’re freaking out almost as much as Dean is. Your sister is alone with Sam and his demon, and you no longer trust that she’ll be safe with him. You knew Sam was dangerous, but you’d thought S/N could handle it. You thought somewhere deep down Sam was still normal, and cared about her. But this was so far from normal, from safe, that you can’t see how there’d be any _human_ left in him.

You’re surprised when Dean steps forward and wraps his arms around you comfortingly, resting his chin against the top of your head.

“It’s going to be okay, Y/N. S/N will be okay. We’re going to go drag both of them out of there and fix this,” he murmurs.

You look up at him in surprise, “I thought you’d be angry.

“I am. I’m furious, and terrified. This is my _brother_ , Y/N. And I don’t even know **what** he is anymore,” he tells you honestly, “But I know I’m not gonna give up on him. Come on, we got some pain in the ass little siblings to save.”

* * *

“Sam!”

S/N texted you the address of the warehouse she’d followed Sam and Ruby to. They’d located Lilith and were planning on going after her well before the solstice, before she could even nab the guy she needed to kill to break the seal. They had summoned and kidnapped a crossroads demon, and were holding it inside the warehouse for Sam to drain before he went after the first demon.

You’d arrived just in time, and the three of you busted in to stop the little scene before it could begin.

“Dean?” Sam remarks in surprise.

“What the hell, Sam? Demon blood?” Dean yells, “Do you know how messed up this is?”

“Yeah, Dean, I do, but it’s the only way I can stop Lilith,” Sam explains.

“YOU don’t have to stop Lilith! I do! Send these hell-bitches back to the pit and let’s go _home_.” Dean urges.

“And just _let_ Lilith break another seal?” Sam asks incredulously.

“The angels got it covered, Sam.”

“Oh, yeah,” Sam snorts, “We’ve _seen_ what happens when the angels handle things. Do you even care that this man is going to die if we don’t stop it?”

“Fine,” Dean concedes, “Then we’ll step in, but not like this, Sam. This is dark, man, even for you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what it sounded like! You’ve gone completely off the reservation here, Sam! First with the psychic thing, then going all bed-buddy with a demon, and now you’re drinking demon blood? What am I supposed to think, Sam?” he yells.

“I’m doing it to kill Lilith, Dean! To stop the apocalypse! To stop Lucifer! These powers are a good thing!” his brother shouts back.

“A **good** thing? In what world does a good thing ever require you to chug a body full of demon blood, Sam? Demon blood was the problem in the first place, remember? You’re just feeding the flames, Sammy, and I ain’t gonna stand here and watch you burn up.”

“How are you gonna stop me?” Sam challenges.

Dean clenches his jaw and looks at him with defiance in his eyes. The two of them stare each other down across the wide space of the warehouse, you and S/N watching them with bated breath, Ruby still holding the nameless crossroads demon captive in the center of a devil’s trap.

After a minute, Sam takes a step toward them.

Dean pulls his gun out of the back of his jeans, cocks it, and points it at his little brother, “Don’t do it, Sam.”

“Are you gonna shoot me?” Sam laughs, raising an eyebrow at his brother.

“Don’t make me, Sammy,” Dean begs, voice breaking.

“You’re making a mistake, Dean,” Sam says darkly.

“Maybe,” says Dean, “but I gotta go with my gut on this one. You ain’t my brother. You haven’t been for a long time. And I want him back, so I’m gonna do whatever I gotta do to make sure you come back from whatever this is.”

“I’m still **me** , Dean, I’m just stronger. I’m a better hunter than I’ve ever been, better than even you. Once I kill Lilith this will all be over,” says Sam.

“There’s no coming back from this, Sam!” Dean yells, “You’re not a hunter anymore, you’re-”

“No,” Sam shakes his head, emotion choking his voice and tears springing to his eyes, “Don’t.”

“You’re a monster, Sam,” his brother finishes quietly.

“No!” Sam yells.

“I’m scared of you, Sam! The girls are scared of you!” Dean shouts, “Is this what you wanted? Did you want to scare S/N away?”

Sam’s eyes dart to your sister, and the tears threatening to spill from his eyes finally do, but he clenches his jaw and turns back to his brother, “I **want** to kill Lilith, Dean!”

“Why? To save the world? Or for revenge?”

“Why does it matter?” Sam yells, “We were raised on revenge, Dean! We spent our entire lives trying to get revenge! How is this any different?”

“Because I’m right here, Sam! I’m walking, and talking, and breathing! I’m alive! And I’m telling you not to do this! I know you’re angry, Sam, but this… this is not the way to win this thing. Please… let’s just go,” Dean begs.

“Put the gun down, Dean,” Sam says quietly after a minute.

“You put the knife down first,” Dean says, gesturing at the demon knife Sam has poised, ready to drain his demon victim.

Sam shakes his head, “Dean-”

“I **will** shoot you, Sam.”

“No, you won’t, Dean.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Dean-”

BANG.

The bullet hits Sam in the leg and he falls, bending to hold his wounded leg as he shouts in pain.

Ruby starts to dart away but S/N grabs the fallen knife and cuts her off at the door.

“Not so fast,” she says.

“Nice try, bitch,” Ruby smirks, and smokes out.

The captured crossroads demon is shouting and you’re becoming slightly annoyed.

“What the hell, Dean?” Sam shouts.

“I told you I’d do it,” Dean says, voice shaking.

You exorcise the distressed demon and go over to Dean, who looks equally as distressed at what he’d just done to his brother.

“He’ll be okay, Dean,” you assure him, resting a hand on his arm, “You just grazed him.”

“I know,” Dean sighs, closing his eyes, “I just don’t know what to do here, Y/N, I’m in way over my head with this. I need help.”

You swallow, looking up at him, “Dean… Call Cas.”

He starts to shake his head but you interrupt him before he can speak, “Dean, we need help with this. We have our hands full with Sam and someone still needs to stop Lilith from breaking this seal. We aren’t enough this time. We need help.”

Dean takes a deep breath, then slowly nods, “Yeah… yeah, you’re right. Okay. You girls keep an eye on Sam, okay?”

You nod, “Of course.”

Dean walks dejectedly out of the warehouse and you sigh, looking over at your sister who is looking suspiciously at Ruby’s empty vessel. She gives it a little nudge with her foot before she decides the girl isn’t waking up and goes slowly over to Sam.

“Can I look at that?” she asks him, gesturing to his leg.

Sam says nothing, but nods.

She squats down beside him and pulls his pant leg away from his bloodied skin, rolling it up to his knee to take a better look at his wound. The bullet had only grazed him, leaving a deep wound in the side of his calve, but the bullet hadn’t lodged in his leg and with a few stitches he should be okay. You peer over her shoulder from a safe distance away, giving them their privacy as much as you can.

“Doesn’t look bad,” she comments.

“I’ve had much worse,” Sam shrugs.

“Dean’s wrong, you know,” S/N says quietly, meeting his eyes, “I’m not scared of you. I think you’re doing the wrong thing, a terrible, disgusting, fucked up thing… but I’m not scared. I’m… disappointed.”

“Who are you to be disappointed in me?” Sam snaps.

She shrugs, “No one, I guess. But your brother’s disappointed too… and I know you care what he thinks.”

Sam glares at her, “He doesn’t understand. None of you understand.”

“We’re just trying to help you, Sam,” she tells him.

“Then let me go,” he pleads, “Let me do my job.”

“It’s not your job, Sam.”

You turn to see Castiel entering with Dean, both stony-faced and quiet- though you supposed that was how the angel was every time you saw him.

“I’m not going to argue with you, Cas,” Sam sighs.

“Good, because I’m not here to argue. I’m here to stop you.”

“Yeah, you and everyone else,” Sam quips.

Castiel says nothing, walking up to Sam and laying his hand over the wound on his leg. When he removes it again, his leg is healed, with no trace that the bullet had ever hit him.

Sam looks up at the angel warily, “Thanks.”

Then, he touches him again and the next second, he’s unconscious.

The angel turns to Dean, “Get him out of here.”

“Thanks, Cas-”

“Don’t thank me. Your brother came very close to total destruction. As it is, he could still be saved, though it goes against everything I know to do so. Take him home. Do not let this happen again,” Castiel says seriously.

Dean nods somberly, “What about the seal?”

“I’ll handle it,” he says.

“How? Go up against Lilith? No offense, Cas, but she’s got some serious mojo. I’m not sure even you have the juice to take her down,” Dean comments.

“No,” says the angel, “But Lilith cannot break the seal if there is no man to kill.”

“Cas-”

“I’m not going to kill him, Dean. I’ll take him somewhere safe. Which is what you should do with your brother now. My brother’s won’t be as understanding as I have been,” Cas says, fixing Dean with a cold stare before disappearing.

* * *

You get Sam back to Bobby’s and lock him up in his panic room. Dean figures if he gets clean of the demon blood he’ll go back to normal again. You’re not so sure, but you don’t say anything. You want to give him this.

S/N spends too much time just outside of the panic room door, listening, waiting for him to wake. Dean paces, Bobby drinks… you pray.

_If there’s a God up there_ , you think, _and with how things are looking for the planet right now, I’m doubtful… but if there is; you save Sam Winchester. Dean doesn’t deserve this. Dean doesn’t deserve having to watch his brother turn into a monster. Haven’t you take enough from him already? Haven’t you put him through enough? I get it, you gotta have your “chosen ones”, and as far as heroes go- Dean is a good choice, I’m not arguing with you there, but can he just have this one thing? Can’t you just let him keep his brother? Plus, I think my sister actually really cares about this one, so… that’s another thing._

“Y/N? Are you listening?” Dean snaps you out of your awkward, rambling prayer.

“What?” you ask.

“He’s awake,” S/N says, drawing your attention to the door where she’s standing.

“Dean?” you can hear from down the stairs, “Dean! Bobby? Let me out of here!”

Dean sighs and gets up.

“Dean,” you start.

He shakes his head, “I’m fine, Y/N.”

You sigh and relax a little against the wall. You don’t know what to say. I’m sorry? Be careful? This is his **brother**! A little over a month ago you hadn’t even known them, and now you’re smack in the middle of all of their family bullshit. You want to offer Dean some sort of support, but you have no idea how with this one.

If any other guy came with this much baggage, you would have bolted by now, and right now you are definitely fighting the urge, but this is _Dean_. There’s just something about him, something that makes you want to hold on for dear life instead of running away. Something that makes you want to give and give and give until you’ve got no pieces left.

You sigh, meeting your sister’s worried eyes with an emotion to match them.

“What are you thinking?” you ask her quietly.

“Wondering whether or not he’s worth it…” she sighs, “He really fucked up, but for some reason I can’t believe this is who he really is. I know he’s better than this, I can see it… he’s just been corrupted by that stupid demon. I don’t even know why I care so damn much… there’s just something about him.”

You chuckle, “I know what you mean. Damn those Winchesters, they just show up out of the blue and take over our lives like this. This is way more than I bargained for when we set out on one little demon hunt.”

“Little,” S/N scoffs, “We were in way over our heads. We should’ve just left and let them deal with it like Dean wanted.”

You nod in agreement, “Then we wouldn’t be in the middle of all of this. Of the apocalypse! Honestly, I’m starting to understand the phrase ‘ _ignorance is bliss’_.”

S/N laughs, “I wholeheartedly agree. What I wouldn’t give to be ignorant of it all… the apocalypse, Lucifer, demons, angels, the Winchesters… all of it.”

“I’ve never wanted something so much, S/N,” you whisper, frightened, “I’ve never loved and hated someone so much. God, everything he does lights a fire inside of me. I’m not sure if I wanna punch him or fuck him.”

“Probably both,” S/N laughs.

“I did, you know,” you admit, blushing.

“Seriously?” she beams, “How was he?”

“Exactly how you’d expect!” you tell her, “Best lay of my life… but don’t you dare tell him that.”

She laughs, “So, what’s going on with you, then? Are you…?”

You shrug, “We didn’t talk about it, but… I think so? That seemed to be what he wanted, but do I? I’m in flight or fight mode constantly around him, S/N, but I can’t- I don’t want to leave. I wanna see this thing through, until one or both of us are dead, or he walks away.”

“He won’t walk away,” S/N assures, “He’d have to be crazy to walk away from you.”

“Are you so sure that he isn’t?” you laugh.

“I think if either of them are crazy, it’s Sam,” she sighs, “Why am I always into the damaged ones?”

You smile at her, “Hey, yours may be chugging demon blood, but mine’s been to Hell. If this is a contest, I’d say we’re neck and neck.”

You turn your attention to Dean when you hear him coming back up the steps, shooting him a sympathetic look when his eyes meet yours.

“How is he?” you ask.

“He’s an idiot,” he grunts, “and he’s angry. Really angry. But this is for the best.”

He looks tired, and about ten years older. The weight of this on top of everything else, the weight of the world in the most literal sense, crushing him to the point of almost breaking. He’s cracking under the pressure, and you can see the hellfire seeping through. It should terrify you. It should send you running for the hills, but it doesn’t. You’re not scared for yourself, you’re scared for Dean. You’re scared of what this final straw might do to him. He’s already unravelling, and you’re not sure you can stop it. You’re not sure there’s anything you can do to even just relieve some of the pressure. This is on him. It’s all on him. It has to be.

_Fuck divine prophecy_ , you think, _Dean doesn’t have to shoulder this thing alone. If I get the chance, I’ll kill the bitch myself._


	6. Deja Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end, you don't even get the choice. Not that you ever had one.

S/N sneaks down the stairs in the middle of the night. It’s been three days since you’d locked Sam up. He was hallucinating, and there wasn’t a time of the night you couldn’t hear him yelling, or talking to himself. Sometimes he even shouted in his sleep.

S/N couldn’t sleep. The rest of you ignored him most of the time, but S/N couldn’t. She couldn’t just lie there and pretend Sam wasn’t in pain. She didn’t know if there was anything she could actually do for him, but she felt like she had to try.

She’d ask for help, but she knew you had your hands full with Dean, so she didn’t want to bother you. She had no hopes that Sam would actually listen to her, but if she didn’t try she’d never find out.

“Sam?” she calls quietly, knocking on the heavy metal door.

“S/N?” she hears him respond in a small, scared voice, “Are you really there?”

“Yeah,” she sighs, “Why? You seeing me a lot in there?”

“Only once,” he admits, and it takes her by surprise.

“Really?”

She hears him chuckle, “Surprised me, too. Apparently, I do care what you think about me, S/N.”

“And?” she asks, “What did fake me say that was?”

“You were scared of me. And angry. You kept telling me all of this stuff that could have been if only I wasn’t such a monster,” he says so quietly she can barely hear him.

“Do you want this ‘stuff that could have been’?” she asks hopefully.

“Does it matter?” he asks.

“I think it does,” she breathes.

“Yeah, S/N, I do,” he tells her, and his voice is suddenly much closer, “I just don’t think I’m the right guy for you. I’m not good enough.”

“And you’re the judge of that?” she huffs indignantly.

He chuckles, “No, your sister is.”

“My sister likes you,” she assures, “She’s just protective. You’re not exactly a model citizen at the moment, Sam.”

“You understand why I have to do this, don’t you, S/N?”

“I understand. That doesn’t mean I agree,” she tells him, “Your heart is in the right place, Sam, it’s your methods we don’t like. Dean’s just trying to protect you.”

“I don’t need protecting,” he mumbles.

“Stop being so hard headed, Sam!” S/N snaps, “You have a brother who loves you enough to do the right thing even though it’s hard. Have you ever thought, in your search for vengeance, what this is doing to him? He doesn’t _want_ to lock you up, Sam, he needs you! Now more than ever. Stop thinking about what you want for five seconds and try to imagine being in his shoes. This isn’t easy for any of us, Sam. Dean in particular.”

There’s silence for a long while, and S/N starts to wonder if maybe she’d offended him. She’s about to say goodnight and head back up the stairs in defeat when he finally speaks again.

“You’re right,” he says, “I know you’re right. This is just… it’s bigger than that, S/N. It’s bigger than me and Dean, or you, or any of us. This is about the fate of the world.”

She sighs, leaning her head against the cool metal of the door, “I know, Sam. I just wish you could see what you’re turning into. Even if you succeed, you’re gonna lose yourself in this.”

“Is that it then?” she hears Sam ask, “Are we leaving what could have been as just that?”

“I love you, Sam,” S/N admits in a shaky breath, “And I don’t have a single clue why. No one should be allowed to fall this fast. I don’t know what it is about you that makes me wanna stick around even though every part of my being is screaming that you’re dangerous, that I should run. God, what is it about you Winchesters that elicits this response in women? Or is it just me and Y/N who feel this way?”

“What?” he laughs.

“Look, Sam, I don’t care anymore,” she huffs, “I don’t want to fight this anymore. If history is doomed to repeat itself, who am I to argue with fate?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, S/N,” he laughs, “but it sounds good to me.”

“It’s not,” she clarifies, “but I don’t care anymore, Sam, that’s the point. If you’re fated to destroy me, I may as well make sure I’m taking you with me.”

“Open the door, S/N.”

“I can’t, Sam, you can’t-” she starts.

“Open the door so I can kiss you,” he says more firmly.

Hesitantly, she slides the lock open on the door, “Step back,” she orders before opening the door a crack and slipping inside.

She’s not been in the room a moment before his hands are on her, holding her face as his lips come crashing down on hers with passionate urgency. He’s rough and demanding and she opens herself up to him, letting him take what he needs even while matching his passion with her own. She’s drowning in him, and suddenly that’s okay because she knows she’s not going to survive this.

She’s not meant to survive this.

She’s not sure she wants to survive this.

She’s content, knowing that even though she’s sacrificing herself for him, he won’t survive it either.

* * *

Your fingers trail absentmindedly across the skin of his chest and abdomen. You look up at his face from where your head rests on his shoulder. His eyes stare absently at the ceiling, not seeing the tile, but something far away. You wonder if whatever he’s seeing is right downstairs where his brother is trapped, or somewhere much darker and altogether more terrifying.

“Dean?” you whisper, almost frightened to snap him out of his thoughts.

His eyes dart to your face and his expression softens, giving you a small smile, “What is it, baby?”

You thrill at the endearment, but at the same time it makes you wanna call the whole thing off. You wonder if you’ll ever get over your fear of commitment or if it’s just Dean and his life that’s got you so scared.

“Where are you right now?” you ask him.

He lets the smile widen a bit, raising his hand to cup your cheek, gently caressing your skin with his thumb, “I’m right here with you, Y/N.”

You roll your eyes, smiling at him, leaning over to kiss his cheek, “I meant, what are you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” he grunts, “it’s not important.”

“Dean…” you sigh, “You can talk to me, you know. I’m here to help.”

“I don’t want to talk, Y/N, I’ve had enough talking,” he huffs, turning sideways with his back to you.

You prop yourself up on one arm, leaning over his shoulder, pressing your lips to his back, “Dean,” you say between kisses to his skin, “Please. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

“Y/N, I told you,” he sighs.

“I know. I just- Dean, I can’t let you shoulder all this by yourself. Dean, I… I love you,” you tell him, looking away when he turns back around to meet your eyes in shock.

“Y/N…”

“Don’t say anything, Dean. I don’t expect you to say anything. God only knows why I feel this way in the first place, but, Dean, I can’t stand by and let you blame yourself for all this. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. You may not have Sam right now, and I know that discourages you, but you have me,” you say, “I just don’t know what to do if you don’t talk to me.”

“You love me?” he repeats quietly after a minute.

“Yeah, well,” you huff, “You’re pretty awesome sometimes.”

He chuckles, “I thought you said I piss you off?”

“Oh, you do. But, you know, not so much anymore,” you smile, “Mostly I was just… mad about the way you make me feel. I’ve never felt like this before, Dean. It’s terrifying.”

“Y/N?”

“What?”

“I love you, too.”

You smile and lean forward to capture his lips in a slow, tender kiss.

“God, Y/N, I don’t know how to feel when I’m around you. You cloud my judgement. I never should have laid eyes on you. I’m gonna get you hurt, or killed…” he says, thinking aloud.

You kiss him softly again, trying to ease his fears.

“Maybe,” you say, “but if you do I’m coming back for your ass.”

He chuckles, “Luckily, I’m in the business that takes care of that.”

“Hey man, eye for an eye. Fair is fair. If you’re gonna bring me down, I’m getting my revenge,” you joke before running your hands soothingly over his arms and saying more seriously, “Besides, I decided a long time ago that if anything’s gonna be the death of you, it’s gonna be me.”

“God, I hope so, baby,” he sighs.

“Call it mutually assured destruction,” you say, smiling.

“I’m on board,” he says, kissing you again, “as long as the apocalypse doesn’t kill us first.”

* * *

“God! Sam! Fuck! Sam!”

She’s got a tight hold on his hair with one hand, and her nails are digging into his shoulder with the other. The shape of the room isn’t exactly condoning of getting fucked against the wall, but they’re making it work. Hard metal studs dig into her back but she doesn’t care much, not when Sam is holding onto her like his life depends on it and pounding into her so fiercely she’s not so sure he is entirely human.

When he comes, he moans loud and low, and she holds him as close and as tight as she possibly can, following him over the edge for the second time tonight. Nothing feels as good as coming completely undone beneath him, and she knows that she’s given herself over completely to all that his is, the good and the evil, and there is no coming back from this. Part of her is still terrified, the little girl inside of her who needs her big sister to save the day, to tell her she doesn’t have to do this. But she doesn’t regret it, and now it’s too late.

She’s not sure whether she’s on the right side, but as long as Sam is there she’s not sure she cares.

When he lets her down, he gives her a slightly apologetic look, but his eyes are still full of lust and it sends jolts of electricity coursing through her veins. He’s in her blood and she’s not entirely sure that’s a good thing.

“S/N-” he starts, but she cuts him off with a gentle kiss.

“Ssh,” she murmurs, “You don’t have to say anything, Sam. I’ve already made up my mind.”

She slips her clothes back on and sneaks back out the door, sliding the lock back into place.

“After all that, you’re still not going to let me out of here?” Sam complains.

She chuckles, “No, Sam. I said I was gonna let you destroy me, not that I was gonna help you do it.”

“I’m trying to **save** you, S/N!” he argues.

“I know,” she says sadly, leaving him standing by the door talking to the air as she goes quietly back up the stairs.

You bump into her in the hallway, taking in her dazed eyes and rumpled clothing. You smirk at her, “Sam?”

She blushes, “Yeah.”

“Is that a good idea?” you ask.

“Not at all,” she tells you.

You nod, dropping the subject.

“Where are you headed?” she asks, looking at a clock on the wall in the kitchen, “It’s early.”

“Snuck out for a smoke while Dean is asleep,” you tell her, “Wanna come?”

She nods and follows you out the door and into the yard, leaning up against one of the many old, rundown junker cars.

“I guess we’re in this now, for real, huh?” you ask, letting a huff of smoke out with your breath as you speak.

S/N nods, “Yup. No turning back now.”

“We could just run,” you suggest, “Take off right now. Never see them again.”

“I don’t think I’m physically capable of that anymore,” she says, “As much as I know this is gonna hurt, that would be worse.”

You nod, “Those boys. They’re gonna be the death of us, S/N. I think we met our match.”

She nods, closing her eyes and sighing, “I love him, Y/N. I love him and I wish I had never met him.”

“I can help with that.”

You both turn to see a man, slightly over middle aged, grey hair where he wasn’t balding, a wicked smile and mischievous glint in his eye.

“Who are you?” you demand, stepping reflexively in front of your sister.

“My name is Zachariah,” he says, I’m an-”

“Angel,” S/N finishes.

“That’s right,” he smiles.

“What do you want?” you snap.

“You two girls are proving to be a colossal pain in my holy ass,” the angel says, “It seems things can’t go as smoothly as I would like while you’re around, so I’m here to take care of that.”

“What do you mean?” S/N asks, “What are we doing wrong?”

“Well, you fell in love, for one!” Zachariah exclaims, “Seriously, you girls must have some kind of death wish if you’re falling for the Winchesters. Those two are nothing but trouble for everyone around them, trust me.”

“But it was you guys who said Dean was chosen in the first place!” you argue, “He’s going to stop the apocalypse and save the world.”

“And how many heroes do you know that who can have a girlfriend, sweetheart?” he asks condescendingly, “Dean is Superman, and you’re Lois Lane. He’s Spider-Man, and you’re Mary-Jane. He’s Batman, and you’re- well, you get my drift. If he doesn’t leave you, and he will, you’ll surely die. I’m here so that doesn’t have to happen.”

You raise your eyebrows at him, “What are you gonna do about it?”

“I’m gonna make all your wishes come true,” he says, “I’ll send you back to before you even met these two walking death traps. Hell, I’ll do you one better and make it so you know nothing of us, or demons, monsters, the whole nine yards.”

“No!” S/N protests, “No! What about Sam? I can’t just leave him!”

“He won’t remember meeting you, either,” says the angel, “No one’s getting hurt in this deal, which is pretty generous of me, I might add.”

You shake your head, “I’m not leaving Dean.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” the angel sighs, “I’m afraid I’m not giving you a choice. This isn’t about saving _you_ from the damage those boys would undoubtedly do if you stayed with them, I’m afraid with you here, Sam will never get out of his cage, and Sam _needs_ to get out of his cage.”

“What? Why?” S/N asks, “I thought you angels were all insistent that _Dean_ was supposed to stop Lilith.”

“We said Dean was chosen, we never said anything about Lilith. Sam’s got just as important a part to play in all of this. But you two don’t have to worry about that anymore,” the angel steps forward and touches your forehead. You feel your sister’s hand wrap around yours before the world lurches beneath your feet and all at once everything is different.

* * *

You set two beer bottles on the table as you slide back into your seat across from your sister at a dingy little dive bar in Montana.

You roll your eyes in annoyance at two arrogantly cocky men who seem to have just hustled a group of boys at pool and were celebrating loudly while the latter group complained. You take a sip of your drink and turn to your sister, who’s texting her fiancée, Derek.

“Hey!” you snap, “Earth to S/N! We’re supposed to be vacationing!”

“Oh yeah, a road trip across the country is _some_ vacation,” she says sarcastically, ticking her phone away, “Why’d I let you talk me into this again?”

You shrug. You honestly don’t remember _why_ you’re here at all. Everything feels just slightly wrong about your life lately, like there’s some other thing you’re supposed to be doing. It’s like you’re living in an echo of what’s meant to be your life, identical in almost every way but for some subtle changes.

“I dunno, but the least you could do is not text your boyfriend every four seconds, it’s beyond annoying.”

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you had one,” she mocks, “I wish you’d just settle down already.”

“You and mom, both,” you huff.

Your eyes wander to the pair at the pool table, making their way to the bar to celebrate their winnings. One is taller than a friggen tree and has long brown hair. The other is slightly shorter with short blonde/brown hair and the greenest eyes you’ve ever seen, and when his eyes meet yours it sends a jolt through your body like familiarity, or something even stronger. For a second, the expression on his face looks like he’s been similarly affected, but then he relaxes and sends you a flirty wink and a smile.

“Hey, do we know those guys?” you ask your sister, and she gives you a weird look before turning to check them out.

“Two random dudes from Montana?” she says as she turns, “No. Never seen them before in my life. But man would I like to! If only I was single. Why don’t you go over and say hi?”

You shake your head, “No, I just… feel like I know him… from somewhere. Or like I’m supposed to…”

“ **What** are you talking about?” S/N laughs.

“Nothing,” you say, downing your beer, “I’ve had the weirdest sense of déjà vu all day, it’s probably just that. Let’s get out of here.”

As you get up to leave, you notice the guy’s eyes on you again, his expression confused and serious. Your eyes meet again and there’s that jolt. That pull, like you’re meant to go to him, like you know him, like you always have.

“Dean! Dean, hey! You okay, man?” the other man snaps him out of it and he turns to him.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. It’s just-”

Dean.

His name is Dean.

Yes, that feels right.

Your brain unhelpfully supplies the name Sam as well and you sigh, thinking that that doesn’t make any sense and you’ve never met those guys before anyway.

“Y/N? You coming?” S/N says, tugging on your sleeve.

“Yeah,” you say, turning to leave with her.

Déjà vu, that’s all it was. Just one of those unexplainable moments all kinds of people try to understand but can never really apply any real meaning to. You continue your road trip and in the next state over you meet a doctor and he takes you out on a date. Before long you’re taking him home to meet your parents. He accompanies you to your sister’s wedding. You don’t remember that moment in the bar with the green eyed man and the strong cosmic pull that could have only been fate.

You name your first born son Dean.

You don’t know why, you just like the name.

His eyes are bright green.

You never know anything about the apocalypse and the two boys who stopped it. You never know how close you came to death, and what Sam and Dean had sacrificed for you and everyone else on the planet.

Winchester is just a name to you.

A 67 Chevrolet Impala is just a car.

Lilith is just a Sunday school story.

And the rest is just déjà vu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so thanks for reading. I know this fic wasn't really my best, but I had a soft spot in my heart for the story anyway so I hope you all like it. :)


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